Wednesday, April 18, 2012
I think there's a saying somewhere about a man's tears, is serious business.I get the fact that yes, when a man does cry, it means shit went down because girls have a tendency to cry over a lot of things.
Take me for example, I cry when: animals die in movies, watch sappy love movies/dramas, read sad books/manga/stories, hear a song with so much meaning to me, I'm feeling hurt/upset/angry.
Examples when he cries: when I leave without a word.
That day was the first time I heard the panic and hurt in his voice underneath the sad tears that I knew he shed over the phone.
I didn't mean to make him cry, I was just walking around killing time because the movie queue was so long and I needed to clear my thoughts too.
I didn't know he'd been frantically calling me, running around looking for me everywhere because my phone was in my bag.
God knows how terrible I am at noticing my vibrating phone in my bag; it's shit, I tell you.
The whole build up to that moment was when he forgot to take my feelings into consideration that afternoon.
He had gone out for breakfast and gym with his sister and I assumed that we were going to have lunch together later.
I realized what a stupid thing it was to assume later, when he texted me after 3pm to have my lunch before I left.
The thing was, I had already left my house because I wanted to be there early for once.
I was incredibly hurt and told him that I'd just watch a movie and then leave cause I'm interrupting their family time anyway.
He tried to convince me otherwise but it made me feel like a third wheel all the more and I just wanted to 'crawl into a hole and die'.
That strong a feeling of neglect.
It doesn't help that I only get to see him for a few short hours on Saturdays only and he gets his whole Sunday and whatever hours on Saturday (when he doesn't see me) with his family.
The rest of the texts with him went along the lines of me refusing to meet up with him and his sister at all because I was feeling quite shitty by then.
I eventually left it to luck if I were to see him that day and waited for the purple line to Outram Park.
He saw me, he rushed into the train and looked for me.
When he couldn't find me, he called me and found out that I was seated outside.
If I left it to luck, we wouldn't even have met that day.
Curse my weak resolution and love for him that I agreed to come down to Outram Park to talk with him.
After a lot of tears and talking, I took him back to Vivocity with the intention of leaving him there once he met his sister.
This is where the whole incident mentioned way at the top happened.
Looking back, everything was quite stupid.
Stupid of me to have made such a fuss.
I've seen first hand how my absence affects him and I never want to see that again.
But if the shitty third wheel feeling comes back, I can't promise I wont try to leave again.
I hate the darkness that engulfs me when the feeling comes.
It's like a black hole of loneliness, depression and negativity that sucks me in, faster and faster.
I hate myself for even allowing myself to feel this way in the first place.
9:06 PM
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Ever since you've gone to Brunei, I've had 2 dreams of your family.Don't get me wrong, they're both pleasant dreams with the typical weird dream elements.
My subconscious is telling me, that without a doubt, I miss you like crazy.
It projects my desire to see you, talk to you, so strongly in my dreams.
I dream that I'm already part of your family, included in everything you do.
I dream that everybody gets along, it's a typical hectic family schedule.
You, even in my dreams you're so far and yet so close.
You're right there where I can touch you and yet you're the one doing the organizing.
Leaving me to bond with everybody else, but you. :/
I feel that this is a reflection of the separation I feel, appearing in my subconscious as well.
Only a week has gone by and I'm like this. Oh God. Imagine my own Boston trip.
I keep telling myself, be strong. There's only 2 weeks left. :'(
He says I'm stronger than I give myself credit for; I think I'm nothing like what he says.
I miss you, Dan. <3
`ifahchan
7:51 AM
Sunday, December 18, 2011
You have a boyfriend, stop harrassing mine. Bitch.Stop spamming likes on every single video, picture share and whatnot he puts up.
You seek attention from him when you have your own boyfriend.
Girls like you, who act so demurely and innocent just because you're wearing a hijab; your attention seeking attitude makes me sick.
Having one boy isn't enough, you have to ask mine out for a private one-on-one lunch?
No, I haven't forgotten anything you've done.
There's most likely more that you've done that he feels is normal but it isn't normal in my eyes.
How is a one-on-one lunch normal when you're attached, when he's attached?
How is calling his attention from you normal when you have your own boy to miss?
Just because you had a long friendship doesn't mean I'm okay with you.
Just because you wear a hijab means you're a good girl by default.
The way I see it, you're a flirt hiding behind your hijab and I don't care if my boyfriend chides me for all I've said because I downright detest/despise you.
You're such a bitch in a hijab; like a malignant tumor that's never going away.
I wish he had the balls to cut off all ties with you; a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Fucking slut-whore bitch.
Fucking angry rant and it's still not enough.
10:08 PM
Friday, December 16, 2011
Let it never be said, the romance is dead
'Cos there's so little else occupying my head
There is nothing I need except the function to breathe
But I'm not really fussed, doesn't matter to me
I played Guitar Hero with my sister at night and we played some great songs.
I do many things to keep myself occupied because it hurts being apart from you when you're all i think about.
Army takes up so much of you that when you have time for me, I don't have time for you due to other commitments with my family.
Your phone calls run short and your texts are never constant because of your hectic army lifestyle.
Before you enlisted, we took time for granted and now, each second is like a precious treasure.
I am sorry for always being busy. I am sorry I put you aside for other commitments.
I am sorry that you are always busy in army. I am sorry for being short-tempered when we do spend time together.
I am sorry.
Despite everything, you never fail to make me smile whenever you can with a simple text of 'I love you' and other sweet texts.
I wonder if I make you smile too?
3:53 AM
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
aaaaah~I miss your smell, our talks, your presence.
It's lonely without you around.
It's like BMT all over again. ):
Oh well. Life's like that.
On other things, my hearing has almost recovered fully.
Still, developed habits that work around using just one ear can come in useful.
I stopped blocking out my surrounding noise/background by just listening to music with my left ear PLUS the volume is on the 2nd level. And I can still hear the music.
Hurr. Never know how much you're actually damaging your hearing by listening to music using headphones, etc, especially at loud volumes.
Dan has drilled the habit of keeping fit in me, even if it is a small effort as compared to what he does.
(INSERT THUMBS UP HERE.)
For the past week during his block leave, I spent most of it with him; just being with him.
It's amazing how plans don't work out the way you want them to, but in the end, it turns out more special and even memorable than you expected.
The small things that he does for me, the level of understanding that he shows to someone I deem as undeserving(in other words, myself); I can never understand it.
The heart to heart talks that we have, spans over countless of hours.
I could never get bored of talking to you, hearing your voice. I could never be sick of someone like you.
The touch of your hand, your warmth, without words speak volumes about how much you care for me.
I wonder if I do the same for you?
If at some point, I'm not the one for you, could I do what was best for you?
Because I know, I am a selfish human being..
Do I truly deserve to be this happy right now? :/
I want to keep that smile of yours as long as possible. Even if it's selfish of me, I want you to keep smiling even if I wasn't in the picture, even if I can't let you go from my heart.
`
You've saved me countless of times, maybe one day, I could save you too. :')
12:34 AM
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Only when you lose something, do you realize the value of it
Last weekend, I lost my hearing.
Mostly, I was alright. People treated me the same way, some forgetting that I'm temporarily deaf in my right ear. Not so different from the usual.
What was different?
When I realized how much we actually depend on our ears, to hear, to listen, to warn, to feel emotion, I felt ashamed. Ashamed of how all this time, I took my sense of hearing for granted. My sense of sight for granted. Touch, smell, talk. The smallest things in life that almost everyone takes for granted.
Having just one ear to listen to everything, it's not easy. I pretend like it doesn't bother me, but deep down, it hurts. Being different, even temporarily, even if people treat you the same way they always do.. There is always that small difference, being unable to really hear what people say, making them repeat themselves countless of times. I know that it gets irritating. I don't push my luck if I don't really hear things they say. I smile and nod, and make an assumption of what's being said from what little I hear.
I don't know if I will get my hearing back. I may or may not. But it's okay. I now appreciate what I have, or do not have. If I'm meant to be like this, it's going to be alright.
'I may be deaf in my right ear after this..'
'It doesn't change a thing, I'd love you still.'
Love makes you a strong, reliable person. I may not be able to predict the future, but right now, all I want is to be with you, someone who loves me for all my imperfections, just the way I am.
4:05 PM
All this time, you were far away.You didn't bother with me, only when I took the time to acknowledge you. I gave up because I know sometimes friendship dies off.. No matter how long it the friendship took to build and last, sometimes the distance happens a little at a time and you don't realize it. Maybe we were drifting apart all this time. I can't say its not my fault. I did try to make time for you; I talked to you, I asked about you, I even went so far as to try and spend some time with you. Maybe you didn't realize it too, but we aren't the same as we were back then.
Now, things have changed and I've changed too. I guess you have too. We had different friends but it didn't matter then. I was happy enough that you still cared about me, enough to say, 'What's up?' with that carefree attitude of yours. Everything just seems different now.
Holding that title in the rank of friends, it was something I thought of as extremely special. But no matter where I go, I see and hear people who have lost the meaning of it. I guess, at some point, our relationship dissolved as well. Keeping the facade, going through the motions. I really don't hold that special rank any more. With your words that were so caring and thoughtful, but did you actually mean any of it? Like a switch, one moment you were the old you, the next, gone with the wind.
I miss the old you.
I miss the old us.
Simple, uncomplicated.
3:36 PM
